Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a gangster? The politician takes more money, does more damage and is less honest. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a prostitute? The politician costs more money…for pain instead of pleasure. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a dog? The politician is less loyal. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a soldier? The politician starts the war and the soldier fights it. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a doctor? The politician creates suffering and the doctor combats it. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a psychiatrist? The politician exemplifies insanity and the psychiatrist treats it. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a minister? The politician practices debauchery and the minister condemns it. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and an engineer? A politician destroys and an engineer builds. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a temptress? The politician smiles for your vote and the temptress smiles for your body. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a loan shark? The politician takes your money through the IRS; the loan shark uses a baseball bat. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a policeman? The politician is paid to swindle the public, the policeman to protect it. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a statesman? The politician serves himself, the statesman his country. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a miser? The politician loves to spend money, the miser to save it. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a horse? The politician takes you on a ride, the horse carries you on a ride. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a child? The politician feigns innocence, the child is indeed innocent. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a hornet? The politician stings more painfully and the pain lasts longer. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a bee? The politician only produces honey for himself. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a gorilla? The politician works in a jungle and a gorilla lives in a jungle. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a kangaroo? The politician uses his ouch for brides, the kangaroo for the young, Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a saint? The politician is going to hell, the saint to heaven. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a vampire? The politician can suck the blood of more than one person at the same time. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a fly? The politician can only be eliminated once every four years. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and a car battery? The politician is charged because of crime, the battery by electricity. Practical Joke: What is the difference between a politician and an automobile? The politician makes you want to run away; the automobile helps you do it. 
When I take a long time to finish,
I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time,
he is thorough
When I don't do it,
I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it,
he is busy,
When I do something without being told,
I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same,
he takes the initiative,
When I please my boss,
I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss,
he is co-operating,
When I make a mistake,
you're an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake,
he's only human.
When I am out of the office,
I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office,
he's on business.
When I am on a day off sick,
I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick,
he must be very ill.
When I apply for leave,
I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave,
it's because he's overworked
When I do good,
my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong,
he never forgets
The CIA had an opening for an assassin...
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair... kill her!!
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes.
'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don' have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Then it was the woman's turn...
She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They
heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping
the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks,' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL: Women are crazy.Don't mess with them.
A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy!! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care. Just get out."
They might be the most grueling days of the month for a woman, but it looks like they're the most ‘fertile' days to attract the man you have long been dreaming about - at least that's what a new study suggests.
A new research has revealed that a woman's voice is most attractive to a man when she is ovulating. The study by New York scientists may go some way to revealing why Marylin Monroe and Cate Blanchett are considered such sirens, beyond their looks alone, the researchers said.
Australian experts say the find is further proof that women become "different" at this point in their menstrual cycle as they come under the effects of sex hormones. Research has shown the female lap dancers make more tips during their cycle peak, and another study rated a woman's walk most sexy to men when she is ovulating.
In the research, Nathan Pipitone and Gordon Gallup of the State University of New York tested the cycle's effect on voice attractiveness and found this also altered during the month. The team recorded women counting from one to 10 at four times during their menstrual cycle and then replayed them at random to male and female students for judging.
Both sexes judged the women's voices to be most attractive if they were recorded during the peak fertility period of the menstrual cycle, and less attractive if they were recorded during non-fertile periods, the researchers said.
It is thought that voices are slightly higher pitched on high-fertility days. Professor Rob Brooks, an evolutionary biologist at the University of NSW, said the findings supported growing evidence that women changed when they were "in heat", otherwise known as oestrus.
"There is a well-established theory known as the battle of the sexes," The Daily Telegraph quoted Prof Brooks, as telling the New Scientist. "In an evolutionary sense, men with a short-term copulation strategy want to know exactly when a woman is most fertile so they can dip into the action at the last possible moment and get out at the first possible moment," he added.
It is in a female's best interest, however, to conceal her ovulation so they have more control over keeping a man interested long term, he said. "There's only a handful of days in a women's lifetime when she need a man's sperm but she will potentially need his material resources and parental support for the offspring for many, many years," Prof Brooks said.
"The potential challenge for women is keeping men interested ... so it's understandable that they try to conceal this while men, all the while, try to pick up the signals. It's the definitive battle of the sexes," he added. The study is published in New Scientist magazine.
- It is important to find a woman who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans, and who has a job.
- It is important to find a woman who makes you laugh.
- It is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn't lie.
- It is important to find a woman who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
- It is important that these four women never meet.
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.
"Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.
Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims,
"I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’ He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.
Kosta (father): ‘I want you to marry a girl of my choice.’
Son: ‘I will choose my own bride!!!’
Kosta: ‘But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter..’
Son: ‘Well, in that case… ok’
Next Kosta approaches Bill Gates.
Kosta: ‘I have a husband for your daughter....’
Bill Gates: ‘But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!’
Kosta: ‘But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.’
Bill Gates: ‘Ah, in that case… ok’
Finally Kosta goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Kosta: ‘I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.’
President: ‘But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!’
Kosta: ‘But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.’
President: ‘Ah, in that case… ok’
And that my friends is how Greeks do business.
One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…” Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you. The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop. Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!” The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surpise, its me the Hippie!” The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!”
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my car won't start..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: (Wait for a second) With a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would YOU be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get blood out? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?"
9. Ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to their fellow employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh my God!!!" and then hang-up.
12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number, you will call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Tell the telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder...louder...louder...
19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write DOWN EVERY WORD.
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"
The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."
Let’s face it English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted, But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig
If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn’t the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn’t a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible And why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts But when I wind up this observation It ends.
-YOU HAVE EAR-PLUGS IN YOUR EARS! -WHAT? Yell louder, I got ear-plugs in my ears. -I SAID ... oh never mind.
Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later that night.
You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t want sex anymore or anything. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me. Whichever is the case,,,,I’m gone. Signed, Your EX-Husband P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together.
Have a great life!
————
Dear Ex-Husband, Nothing has made my day more enjoyable than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a ‘good man’ is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. It’s just too bad it doesn’t work. Yes, I did notice when you got a hair cut last week,,,and actually the first thing that came to my mind was “You look just like a girl”,,, but my mother raised me not to say anything at all if you can’t say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99… After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for twenty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you’ve always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but my sister ‘Carla’,,,was born Carl.
I hope that’s not a problem for you.
What I Want in a Man (age 21)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man (age 43)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man (age 54)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man (age 65)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man (age 76)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
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